For my writing class, we were supposed to write some sort of parody on a topic. Here is mine for basic white girls. It’s meant to be humorous and make a point at the same time. Enjoy!
It’s a harsh, ruthless world for females these days. Trying to look good without being objectified by men while still trying to fit in with your friends and their friends and their families’ friends. Fret no more! This guide will give you six easy steps for becoming just like everyone else!
- Get a MePhone
While MePhones are a bit pricey, it will be the only way for you to properly connect with all of your friends, followers (see #2), and the latest trends to make sure you’ll always be just like the girl next to you.
- Download Jiffypic (and use daily)
Jiffypic is a social network where you follow people and like their pictures and then they in turn follow you and like your pictures. The number of likes you get on your pictures directly correlates to you self-worth, so make sure you take a lot of mefies (see #4) and post them all the time. Also, taking pictures of leaves or your Moondoes (see #3) coffee cup will definitely help get your likes up. Just do whatever it takes to get hundreds of likes. Then you will be Jiffy-famous and that’s the whole point.
- Moondoes Coffee
The large majority of the population really doesn’t like coffee—our taste buds just aren’t designed to drink boiled dirt. However, none of that matters because it’s the cool thing to do. Not to mention that Moondoes figured out how to add sugar and flavors to their coffee so that you can say you’re drinking coffee but not want to dump it out because it tastes too bad. This habit of constantly drinking Moondoes may lead to an increased dependency on caffeine, but that’s okay. Everyone else suffers from the same thing; you’re not alone!
Once you have purchased your MePhone and downloaded Jiffypic, you are ready to take mefies. Basically, using the front camera on your MePhone, you take a picture of yourself, usually just the face. Of course you need to take these really often, and since you need the likes, this probably means you have to wear make up more frequently than you currently do. It might seem like a hassle, but it makes your pictures look so much different, you’ll thank me later. No one will even recognize you in person because your mefies are so great.
If you’ve been to any store that carries clothes, you’ve seen armings on the racks. Yes, these are a necessity. While their skin-tight, sometimes-transparent nature has controversy everyone still wears them. They’re great for the gym, with Guus (see #6), for pajamas, or for going out if you pair them with the right pair of pants. The possibilities are endless and you’ll probably wear them every day, so buy a few dozen.
No matter where you live, you must own a pair of Guus. Fur-lined and over-priced, these mittens are to be worn in any climate during the months of September-May. Guus go especially well with armings because the tight ends slide right into the Guus. They come in different colors, but don’t worry someone else is bound to have the same exact pair so you won’t feel left out.
If you follow this advice to a T, I can promise you will be just like every other girl who wants what you want: to fit in. As a fair warning, people may take to calling you “basic” or “typical,” but if you don’t do what everyone else is, you’re bound to be an outcast. So keep your chin up and prepare your wallet—you’re about to be as mainstream as it gets!
The main reason I chose to do a parody on basic white girls is because it is really a lose-lose situation. People who are different or outcasts tend to be ostracized by the public and bullied for those differences. So, then you decide to try and fit in by going with the popular crowd. Uh-oh, you’re basic and mocked for wearing what everyone else is wearing. This isn’t always the case, and I know you can find a “happy medium.” But we shouldn’t have all of these labels in the first place; why can’t we all just be who we are? Wear what you like because you think it’s cute. Drink what you want because it tastes good. Do what you want because you want to do it. If you happen be like someone else, that’ s cool, you have something in common. If you’re the only one who thinks that that sweater is awesome, even better–rock it.
In a perfect world…