Pre, Present, and Post Valentine’s Day Stress Disorder (PVDSD)

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Pre V-Day I was stressing pretty hardcore. I have never really had a good Valentine’s Day, and I was surprised to actually have a fantastic guy to spend it with this year. We aren’t in an official relationship, but we’re exclusive, so I had no clue what would happen. I don’t think he knew how to prepare at first, either. I didn’t know what to wear, what to expect, or even how to act. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who isn’t nervous about February 14th. I mean, it gets all the hype and there are too many unsaid expectations. Especially for the men… sorry fellas.

Lucky for me, my lovely man managed to find the perfect agenda for our relaxed relationship. Nice lunch instead of dinner, and the rest of the day just spent together. Flowers and chocolate, but no other gifts. It started out filled with a little bit anxiety and jitters, and not everything went quite as planned, but in the end I think most people realize this as well: all that matters is that you’re with the person you care about. All the nerves for nothing, right?

Now today we woke up, went to church, had lunch, the usual. But the post-V-Day effects were there. Still a little sappier than usual with the hand holding and pecks on the cheek. Not to mention, church was significantly emptier than usual. We’re apart now, which is good because I think it will help us transition out of the V-Day image. But it’s leaving me feeling a bit odd, but I don’t know what it is or why. Let’s just say it’s PVDSD.

Collegiate Diary #4: For Me (Sorry)

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Woah, I exist. But actually, I feel bad about being that blogger that gets into it for a little while and then disappears for a while. Being cliche is my least favorite thing, so I do apologize.

So now, what to write about?

[Insert list of pluses and minuses of my life]

Honestly, there’s so much on my mind that I don’t think I could say anything coherent or interesting or inspirational. So I guess this is where I don’t write for an audience, but I write for myself.

I guess one of the biggest things that’s wracking at my heart and my brain is always being the one who’s different, the one that no one wants. They might think I’m fine, but I’m not the one that anyone actually wants. The two girls I go out with are both short, super cute brunettes who actually get drunk and are super social. I’m tall, blonde, and don’t drink and will talk your ear off but I’m not natural at being social. I’m not as physically desirable like them and I’m not socially desirable either, apparently. So needless to say, this takes a toll on me. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but no matter how much I try I still keep thinking “Man, what it must feel like to be wanted.” But at the same time, I’m not going to change myself just to get a certain type of people to like me. I’m not going to go to a party and get s***faced just because then people will want to take advantage of me. I’m not going to dress in clothes that I don’t like. I’m not going to give myself a fake personality that exudes extreme sociability. That’s not me, and I have to accept that it won’t be. And let’s be honest, the more I try to be someone I’m not, I won’t be attractive to anyone at all. At least if I’m myself I’ll get the kind of people I actually want to have in my life.

But still, easier said than done.

In addition to this teenage crisis, the stresses of being an [injured] dance major and dancing with a dance company and having a social life but taking time for church and the maintenance of my body and keeping up with my friends and home and my family… it’s a lot. I’m used to a lot, but sometimes you just need a gigantic pause button to not have to do any of that and just exist as you are. You don’t have to be anything for anyone anywhere. I would like to go to the quietest, most beautiful place and just lay down and have sometime to myself, nature, and God. A deluxe escape from the hustle and bustle that is my life.

If you did read this, I hope you got something out of my banter. If you think it was a waste, I warned you in the title.

Following Your Dreams: The Scary Truth

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I’m deathly afraid of the future.

I have become a pro at acting like I couldn’t be more excited to be moving so far away from home with an ambitious double major and career attempt.

Truth is… I’m so afraid.

That’s the funny thing about following your dreams. It really takes a lot, and I can see why so many people decide not to. I could very easily stay in my state, attend school on a really good scholarship, and find a job I like. But I wasn’t going to settle for that. And now, I am faced with waves of immense fear that things aren’t going to work out at all like I expected and that I won’t be prepared.

It’s a fear that smacks me in the face every time something new comes up, and soon I’m stressing and losing sleep and not getting anything ready or prepared. I am overcome with helplessness that should not be increasing but decreasing as I become an independent young adult. Then I get even more overwhelmed and it’s a vicious cycle between productivity, motivation, and excitement to petrifying fear and anxiety.

(Words of advice are gladly welcomed.)