Collegiate Diary #4: For Me (Sorry)

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Woah, I exist. But actually, I feel bad about being that blogger that gets into it for a little while and then disappears for a while. Being cliche is my least favorite thing, so I do apologize.

So now, what to write about?

[Insert list of pluses and minuses of my life]

Honestly, there’s so much on my mind that I don’t think I could say anything coherent or interesting or inspirational. So I guess this is where I don’t write for an audience, but I write for myself.

I guess one of the biggest things that’s wracking at my heart and my brain is always being the one who’s different, the one that no one wants. They might think I’m fine, but I’m not the one that anyone actually wants. The two girls I go out with are both short, super cute brunettes who actually get drunk and are super social. I’m tall, blonde, and don’t drink and will talk your ear off but I’m not natural at being social. I’m not as physically desirable like them and I’m not socially desirable either, apparently. So needless to say, this takes a toll on me. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but no matter how much I try I still keep thinking “Man, what it must feel like to be wanted.” But at the same time, I’m not going to change myself just to get a certain type of people to like me. I’m not going to go to a party and get s***faced just because then people will want to take advantage of me. I’m not going to dress in clothes that I don’t like. I’m not going to give myself a fake personality that exudes extreme sociability. That’s not me, and I have to accept that it won’t be. And let’s be honest, the more I try to be someone I’m not, I won’t be attractive to anyone at all. At least if I’m myself I’ll get the kind of people I actually want to have in my life.

But still, easier said than done.

In addition to this teenage crisis, the stresses of being an [injured] dance major and dancing with a dance company and having a social life but taking time for church and the maintenance of my body and keeping up with my friends and home and my family… it’s a lot. I’m used to a lot, but sometimes you just need a gigantic pause button to not have to do any of that and just exist as you are. You don’t have to be anything for anyone anywhere. I would like to go to the quietest, most beautiful place and just lay down and have sometime to myself, nature, and God. A deluxe escape from the hustle and bustle that is my life.

If you did read this, I hope you got something out of my banter. If you think it was a waste, I warned you in the title.

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