I have a dream. Or maybe she has mine.

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I like to think that I have always known what I ultimately wanted in my life: to be a professional dancer. And yes, I have known that for quite sometime. The part where the dream gets fuzzy is the means by which I achieve my goal. You see, in order to become a professional dancer, there’s a lot of complicated things that need to occur that I’m not going to go into now because it’s late and I’m tired and I’m only writing because I can’t let this brew for any longer.

So there’s this girl, right? I have become really, really close friends with her and it’s great. She’s a gorgeous dancer and I’m jealous of her insane control and technique. I’m also jealous of her ability with children, her close relationships with our instructors, and most of all, her most recent spontaneous opportunity.

She has been given the opportunity to basically just not go to college (she’s ready for move-in less than a week) and then magically be a part of a professional company as a trainee. I’m really happy for her, I am. She would not have been happy where she was going to be, so it’s wonderful for her.

But see I auditioned for a company in the winter and was offered a traineeship… and turned it down because I wanted to go to college. I was determined to break the mold and go to college for dance and still get a professional ballet job. And now here my friend is, getting this amazing opportunity and I’m suddenly second guessing my entire life’s decisions. (Okay that was a bit dramatic, but it’s kind of a big deal.)

And then of course there’s a guy involved, too. Not a guy I have much of a relationship at all with, but needless to say if I was a few years older I would be all over that. And she is going to his company, and he’s a huge part of this whole plan and so are the teachers that I wish I was closer with.

See how it comes full circle?

Yeah, probably not.

I always want to be different, do things that aren’t normally done. I want to make a name for myself even if I went to college. I want to double major and work hard and just do everything I possibly can to be the best I can be.

…But I still wish I could be in someone else’s shoes, have someone else’s talent, have someone else’s persona. I try so hard to be myself, but it’s hard when it seems that that’s the you everyone else likes the least.

Life’s not fair.

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